Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
