my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
