She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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