things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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