Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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