every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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