I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
