I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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