but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
