I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
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It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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