I think im going to throw up on grandma
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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