on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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