I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
