I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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