Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We need to get me chipped asap
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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