I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
