I met the friendliest cop last night
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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