If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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