it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
