I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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