dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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