He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
