If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
