I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
