I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
