She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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