dude i'm inner monologue high
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
