we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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