The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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