Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
