i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize