it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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