The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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