No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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