I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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