just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
