Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How's work?
Spinning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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