Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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