you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize