Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
