just tell him i said nine months
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
