I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
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I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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