awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
