watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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