I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you guys just all showered together...?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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