Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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