Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
