please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
