Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
