I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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