If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
