wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
