I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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