I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
