If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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