oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
