i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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