I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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