Texts From Last Night

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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

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  (952): I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa. http://tfl.nu/1yb9
  Replies (98) Good night (3789) Bad night (797)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
  Replies (66) Good night (4710) Bad night (1307)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky

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  (513): i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky http://tfl.nu/hn4y
  Replies (24) Good night (3054) Bad night (587)
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  (925): View more from California

  He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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  (925): He's on drugs...like drugs for horses. http://tfl.nu/witw
  Replies (41) Good night (1184) Bad night (2923)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.

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  (614): I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy. http://tfl.nu/3y3a
  Replies (8) Good night (1338) Bad night (3243)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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  (906): Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already. http://tfl.nu/ar92
  Replies (12) Good night (3746) Bad night (1754)
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..

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  (779): We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time.. http://tfl.nu/hdfa
  Replies (2) Good night (2251) Bad night (925)
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  (949): View more from California

  So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

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  (949): So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam? http://tfl.nu/9cgv
  Replies (18) Good night (2962) Bad night (1166)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.

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  (251): Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf. http://tfl.nu/98oh
  Replies (6) Good night (684) Bad night (2124)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine

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  (248): Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine http://tfl.nu/ph8k
  Replies (3) Good night (2000) Bad night (615)
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.

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  (+27): Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything. http://tfl.nu/71ow
  Replies (1) Good night (562) Bad night (307)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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  (412): Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time. http://tfl.nu/jc31
  Replies (1) Good night (1065) Bad night (337)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.

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  (206): Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough. http://tfl.nu/xqyf
  Replies (1) Good night (275) Bad night (423)
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  (631): View more from New York

  So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone

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  (631): So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone http://tfl.nu/jbdz
  Replies (1) Good night (535) Bad night (398)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"

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  (248): But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?" http://tfl.nu/5x16
  Replies (2) Good night (429) Bad night (592)

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