How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
