Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
